My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im six kinds of drunk right now
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Randomize
