I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
