Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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