i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
