In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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