My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
