just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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