I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
