Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
