I accidentally had phone sex last night
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
