Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
