so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
