So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
