I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
