Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
