Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
