so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
