Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
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It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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