i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
As shirtless as possible
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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