look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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