why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
how does that bad decision feel?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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