I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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