She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
