if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
