he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
