I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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