I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i think my cat just said my name.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
