Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
