do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
