Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
