Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
