I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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