i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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