It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
