Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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