i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
