I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
