My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
