You can't motorboat a personality
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
