I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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