Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
