I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
