Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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