So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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