woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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