she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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