trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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