i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Alive.
So much puke
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
