and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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