Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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