You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
