I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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