I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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