I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
