Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
