Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
