I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
