I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
