He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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