He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
