so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
