my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
